Dantenetta II Hell's Sonata

"And then she just left! I mean, who the hell does she think she is!? Stealing my friend, my pizza AND my dignity!"

"Wow, sounds rough old man".

Here we find our hero Dante complaining to his less impressive sidekick Nero about his humiliation earlier in the day to the evil witch, as he put it, known as Bayonetta. As Dante continued to complain, the two wandered aimlessly through the streets.

It's not their fault though, Dante's currently fuming over his defeat earlier in the day and can't think straight, or at all, and Nero lacks the backbone to interrupt the devil hunter.

"Y'know, I'm so pissed off right now, I could use a drink," Dante grumbled as he continued his destination-less trek through the streets. "I tell ya kid, I'd drink to the point where I'd get so drunk that I would forget I was actually hanging out with you".

"Yeah, then I'd have to carry your drunk ass home! Hopefully you'd get so drunk that you get alcohol poisoning and then I could drop you off in a cemetery!" Nero snapped back. It looks like Nero's got a spine after-all.

"Talk about mood swings. Did you ever think of getting help with that?"

"You were just saying-"

"Hey this place looks promising! 'The Gates of Hell'," Dante interjected, looking up at the establishment's neon sign. "This sounds like a bar to me!" Dante declared before heading for the entrance. He was opening the door when he noticed Nero wasn't following him. "What the hell are you waiting for, Christmas? Come on!"

Nero sighed in defeat, realizing there was no convincing his friend otherwise. "If you knock yourself out from drinking, I'm leaving you there!" he muttered to himself before going after Dante.

The interior of the bar looked like that of any other seedy bar, dimly lit and filled with the stench of cheap cologne and stale cigarettes. This didn't bother Dante though considering his shop smelt practically the same. Nero, on the other hand was not, probably due to his lack of manliness.

"Ah this place reeks!" Nero exclaimed, covering his nose and mouth with his hand. "Couldn't you have picked a place that smelt less like…putrid?"

"Come on kid, a bar's a bar!" Dante told his sidekick while he went over to the counter and took a seat. He waved for Nero to join him. "Come on kid, I'll pay for your drink. You're twenty-one right?"

Hold on a moment; did Dante just say he was going to PAY for himself AND Nero? With what money? Dante never has money for anything! This is probably going to end with our favorite devil hunter forming another debt. It seems he just never learns.

The younger half-devil shrugged. "I'm not sure; the creators never gave me an age." It appears Nero possesses the ability to penetrate the fourth wall as well! Maybe he'll upgrade from less impressive sidekick to slightly impressive sidekick.

"Okay, you're twenty-one!" Dante said before banging to the counter to call the bartender.

A shady, dark skinned man popped up on the other side of the counter, seemingly out of the floor. Nero gasped and fell out off his stool in surprise. "What can I get you fine gents?"

"Give me and my pal here some of your hardest liquor," Dante responded, setting his elbow down on the counter and giving the bartender his most charming smile. Dante should realize his charm doesn't affect shady bartenders nor would it get him free drinks.

"He twenty-one?" the bartender questioned, jerking a thumb in Nero's direction who just got back onto his stool. The red clad devil hunter just shrugged. "Close enough," the bartender took out two bottles of hard liquor out from under the counter and gave it to Dante and Nero. "Oh and you two might want to change your seats. My best customers sit there".

"Well I don't see anyone else here, so these seats are ours," Dante exclaimed as he downed his liquor.

"Oh Rodin!"

Dante spit the alcohol out of his mouth before whirling around to see his newest foe, the evil witch Bayonetta! "YOU!" the devil hunter yelled, pointing accusingly at his nemesis. Another woman, this one clad in red, joined Bayonetta. "Oh no she can multiply!"

"Ack, Rodin what are these filthy little urchins doing in our seats?" Bayonetta asked the Hell's Gates proprietor as she made her way over to the counter, Jeanne in tow.

"I told 'em those seats belonged to my best customers," Rodin replied gruffly while shining a glass. When he finished shining, he slammed his palm down on the counter. "Alright assholes, take a hike!"

Dante crossed his arms defiantly and shook his head. "I don't think so. We aren't giving up our seats to those witches, we've got our rights!" Not in this bar Dante. Actually nowhere outside of Devil May Cry land did Dante have rights.

Bayonetta sighed as she cracked her knuckles. "You force my hand then, devil-boy!" The devil hunter just laughed insultingly at the witch to which she smirked. "Don't say I didn't warn you!" With that, Bayonetta grabbed Dante by the collar of his coat and tossed him across the bar.

"Hey you can't do that to Dante!" Nero said in Dante's defense as he got off his stool and stood before Bayonetta. She just grabbed Nero and tossed him after Dante. The younger half-devil crashed right on top of his friend, who was getting up off the ground.

"Now that that's done..." Bayonetta began as she dusted her hands off and made a mental note to disinfect them later. She took a seat on the stool Dante had been sitting on before and patted the other stool's cushion, signaling for Jeanne to join her. "Come now Jeanne, I've removed the urchins".

"I take it those two are friends of yours, Cereza?" Jeanne asked while taking a seat in Nero's stool.

"No not friends," Bayonetta replied before banging the counter to tell Rodin to give them the usual. "I prefer the term 'idiotic acquaintances' instead".

"I'm sure Enzo was just an acquaintance too but now look, he's your friend!" Dante spat from the other side of the bar. "Well you're not going to get the chance to steal anyone else from me. Get behind me Nero!"

"Don't you think that's a bit-?"

"GET BEHIND ME NERO!"

"Alright, alright I'll get behind you," Nero relented, getting behind the devil hunter. So much for that backbone he had earlier.

"I think that term's much more fitting on second thought," Jeanne said as she turned back to Bayonetta, who was taking as many shots as possible. "Cereza, don't you think you're drinking a bit much?"

Bayonetta shook her head and took another shot. "Rodin fixed the karaoke machine and I have to be as drunk as possible if I want to do it right". This was met with laughter from the other side of the bar. The witches turned to see Dante and Nero laughing their asses off. "What are you morons laughing at?"

"You're going to sing? While drunk? That's priceless!" Dante laughed, leaning on Nero's shoulder for support. "Hey you might get lucky tonight kid!" he told Nero, giving him a friendly punch in the arm.

"Yeah maybe. If she isn't singing!" Nero blurted out, causing him and Dante to laugh harder. Maturity in its finest right here.

Bayonetta shied away, her face flushed red due to embarrassment. It must be because she isn't sober. A sober Bayonetta wouldn't have been bothered by this, instead she would've made a witty, insulting comment and then feed the idiots, Dante and Nero, to her hair.

That's why Jeanne's here though.

"Haven't you dolts ever heard the term 'Don't judge a book by its cover'? Though I reckon neither have you have opened a book in your lifetimes, let alone touch one!" Jeanne snapped at the still cackling half-devils. She put a hand on Bayonetta's shoulder. "Cereza happens to have a wonderful voice."

"Yeah of course you'd know, considering she probably sings you drunken lesbian show tunes!" Dante shot back, laughing at his own comeback like an idiot.

"Ha ha, good one old man!" Nero congratulated before high fiving Dante.

Jeanne's face turned completely red with rage after hearing Dante's crude remark. "Why you vulgar little MOTHERFUCKER!" she yelled, jumping out of her seat and kicking the stool over. Jeanne was going to tear Dante and Nero limb from limb but Bayonetta grabbed her collar to stop her.

"No Jeanne. He's right," Bayonetta stated, turning to her red-clad friend. Jeanne gave her an incredulous look and began wondering if Bayonetta might have drank a little too much. "After all, he knows exactly what he's talking about. Just take a look at his little 'boy-toy'," This comment immediately stopped Dante and Nero's laughter and caused them to take a step away from each other.

"Why of course!" Jeanne said smoothly, looking to Dante and Nero with a smirk. "I should've noticed it before!"

"Hey, even if I was gay, I wouldn't be gay with Nero!" Dante stated in his defense, rather than his and Nero's.

"Yeah!" Nero backed his friend up. He gave a quick thought to what Dante said though. "Wait, what?"

Before a completely immature 'dissing' war began, Rodin smashed a beer bottle on the counter to get their attention. "I just happened to be listening in on your chatter and I figured out a way you four can settle this little scuffle".

"Elaborate bartender!" Dante demanded, pointing a finger rudely at Rodin, who just threw a bottle at him.

"You two deadbeats claim my baby's got a bad voice, but how 'bout you two give proof to your claim by beating her and her friend in a karaoke battle! Winner gets the best stools and all the booze they can drink but the loser gets the boot. When I say the boot I mean I kick their sorry asses out of my bar for good! So, whatdya say?"

"I say bring it on!" Nero declared lamely, doing a fist pump.

"I'm with the kid on this one!"

"Aww look, they're supporting each other!" Bayonetta remarked to Jeanne, who pointed and laughed at the half-devils.

"Shut up witches! You just wait until we crush you!" Dante responded, taking another step away from Nero. He looked in Rodin's direction. "Bartender, let's get this show on the road!"

"Alright then, this is your DJ Father Rodin here and this shit's about to get real!" Rodin declared, pressing a switch beneath his counter. All of a sudden a large stage popped up in one corner of the bar and directly above it a screen and score board with the two team names; the Witches with a crossed out 'B' and the Deadbeats.

"Hey bartender," Nero called to Rodin who was dusting off a few records. "I think you spelled devils wrong".

"Nope, I'm pretty sure I spelled it right," Rodin replied without turning to Nero. He lay out several records on the counter. "Alright teams, come take your pick!"

"Ha, they had to change your team name from 'bitches' to 'witches'!" Dante laughed at the opposing team.

"Well they had to do that in order to distinguish our two teams apart," Jeanne told the devil hunter as she strolled over to take her pick from the records.

"What are you, stupid? We're the Deadbeats!" Dante exclaimed proudly. If only he wasn't so oblivious to what Jeanne had said. It looks like Nero will have to be the brains in this fight if they want to win.

The karaoke war began with Dante being the first one up to sing. He may've made fun at Bayonetta for not being able to sing but at least Bayonetta wasn't stupid enough to attempt to sing an instrumental song and make up lyrics as he went along. Father Rodin was not impressed by this.

Next up was Jeanne who performed a 'colorful' rap, complete with suggestive choreography and loud background music. Father Rodin was greatly impressed with this performance, so much that he gave the witches extra points. To add insult to injury, Jeanne was sure to give Dante a mocking wink as she passed him.

Determined to gain the win for the Deadbeats, Nero triumphantly went up on the stage. The young half-devil sang 'Don't Stop Believing' absolutely perfectly, bringing tears to Dante's eyes and giving him the belief he would win. Father Rodin was completely stunned by this. So much that he had to give the Deadbeats enough points to compensate for Dante's blunder.

Last up on stage was Bayonetta, who was going to sing 'Fly Me to the Moon'. Well she would've, if she hadn't stuck to her original plan of getting extremely drunk so she could sing the song perfectly. That obviously worked out well. All she did was get up on stage and sing the first few lyrics before throwing up and falling off-stage. Father Rodin couldn't help but facepalm at this disappointing performance and because of this he would have to declare the Deadbeats the winners. Damn, he'll be drinking all night because of this!

"Cereza!" Jeanne cried out as she ran over to her unconscious friend. The witch in red pulled a lollipop out of her pocket and put it in Bayonetta' mouth, reviving her and curing making her sober because only magical lollipops can do that.

"…Jeanne?" Bayonetta said groggily as she awoke from her alcohol induced unconsciousness. She covered her forehead with her hand and groaned. "Jeanne, I had this wonderful dream where I was beautiful crow and I was soaring through the air until suddenly... I crashed! …Oh and did we beat devil-boy?"

"No, because of your drunken shenanigans, those…those buffoons took victory away from us!" Jeanne berated, her tone switching from worried Umbran sister to angry Umbran sister. "What did I tell you about drinking so much at one!? I always told you to never drink more than five shots but no, you go and drink twenty! I swear Cereza one day-"

"In your faces!" Dante gloated, only to get a punch in the face from Jeanne, sending him into Nero. "You're just upset that today victory belongs to the Deadbeats! And with that I get my dignity back!" Free cheers for Dante!

"Let's see how long that lasts…" Bayonetta whispered to Jeanne, who just crossed her arms and pouted in defeat. Let's see how right Bayonetta is.

Dante and Nero strode victoriously over to Rodin, who was still fuming over how these morons could've possibly won. "Bartender, I believe the losers have to leave this bar now," the devil hunter said smugly, jerking his thumb towards Bayonetta and Jeanne.

Rodin swore under his breath but suddenly an idea came to him. The bartender smirked as he looked to the witches. "Alright witches, get the hell outta my bar!" he ordered, but not before dropping his shades for a second to give the two a wink.

The witches caught his signal and nodded. "Yes Rodin!"

Jeanne and Bayonetta made their way to the exit, with Jeanne flipping Dante and Nero off as she left. Bayonetta looked to Dante and blew a kiss in his direction. "Til next time devil-boy".

Once the witches were gone, Dante and Nero ran to the bar counter and took their seats on their well earned bar-stools. "We drove those witches out and we got our stools, kid. Now all we need is part two of our prize; a shit load of hard-liquor!" Dante remarked, slapping Nero on the back. "Hey bartender, start us off with two shots!"

"I hope you know that even though you've won, this shit ain't for free," Rodin growled as he took out two glasses and filled them.

Dante just waved it off. "Just put it under the new tab called Dante's victory tab!"

"Hold the phone; you say your name's Dante?" Rodin asked, to which the devil hunter proudly nodded. "Well today my boy Andy came by, scared shitless because he said a man in red held him at gunpoint in his own pizzeria which also happens to be my favorite pizzeria!" Rodin went over to Dante and pulled him up by his shirt collar. "I'm still pissed off about not being able to enjoy my favorite pizza for lunch and now all that rage's coming out now that I've found you!"

Dante gave several glances calling for help to Nero, who just shrugged his shoulders. "Uhh…karma's a bitch?"

Rodin pulled Dante closer to him and let out a growl. "You have any idea what I do with punks like you!? This is what I do!" the bartender opened up a portal that gave off a red aura and hurled Dante into it. "My friends in there'll be sure to give you a warm welcome, so don't worry!"

Nero just sat in his seat, slack jawed and wide-eyed. He couldn't believe his eyes so he just downed his beer. Suddenly he heard Rodin let out a whistle. "Yo babes, you could come back in now!" The half-devil looked to see Jeanne and Bayonetta re-enter the bar.

"So what did you do with devil-boy dear?" Bayonetta questioned as to what happened to her 'idiotic acquaintance'. "You didn't stomp him into dust did you? I wouldn't want to accidentally step on what's left of him. That'd be rude".

"I would!" Jeanne put in abruptly.

"No, I just sent him on a one way trip to hell," Rodin replied with a malevolent grin. "So if you don't want to join him I suggest you get your ass outta my bar!" Rodin told Nero, as he towered over him.

"I ought to go anyway. I live pretty far from here and I wouldn't want to…" Nero trailed off while getting out of his seat and made for the exit.

"Aww the little boy has to get home before his beddy-by time!" Bayonetta mocked in a babyish tone.

"Or before his mommy gives him a spanking!" Jeanne added her tone equally babyish and mocking.

How does Nero like it when he's made fun of by two people at once? Like he said. 'Karma's a bitch.'

The half-devil just ran as fast as he could out of the bar while yelling. "Vendetta!"

"Looks like we get to keep both of their dignity then," Bayonetta told Jeanne as she watched Nero run away. "We'll split it in two; I get devil-boy's and you can have Devil Jr's!"

"You mean they had dignity to begin with?"

Bayonetta shrugged her shoulders. "Who knows? Those two are such winners after all," the witch said mockingly as she went over to the counter and sat down on her reclaimed bar stool. "Fix me up Rodin…and put it on devil boy's tab".

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In the depths of Hell

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Beneath Rodin's bar, within the true hell, Vergil sipped his tea quietly as he watched a bunch of newly arrivals get incinerated only for them to be reanimated and incinerated again. This was Hell's equivalent to television after all.

Vergil, being the evil son of Sparda that he is, couldn't help but laugh as he watched one of the newly arrivals attempt to flee but he caught by two bigger demons and thrown back into the flames.

Without that bastard Mundus around, Hell wasn't half bad. They had everything Vergil wanted from life; fine entertainment, refreshing aromas, peaceful noises and no one to harass him while he drank his tea. Sure he didn't have Yamato but all these demons were too busy killing each other to notice him.

Vergil took a moment to take in the wondrous smell of brimstone and the joyous sound of people screaming as they were being turned to ashes. "Music to my ears," the half-devil exclaimed before taking a sip from his tea. Yup, this was Vergil's paradise.

Suddenly a flaming sphere fell from the sky and landed right in front of Vergil. The swordsman raised an eyebrow while drinking his tea as he watched the smoke clear from the landing. "Hey Vergil!"

Vergil spit the tea out of his mouth upon recognizing the dreadfully familiar voice. "Dante!? How the-"

"Ah it's a good thing you're here Verge!" Dante began as he dusted himself off and stood up. "Now you can help me get back at the ones that sent me here and then-"

That was the last thing Vergil heard before he covered his ears in an attempt to block out Dante's blabbering, but it was no use. He began growling, twisting and writhing in another futile attempt to block out his twin's talking.

Oh the agony, oh the pain of having to listen to Dante was killing Vergil!

It looks like Hell became Hell again.