Dantenetta:Well Matched Rivals

"I'm telling you, give me my damn pizza!"

"And I'm telling you that you're not getting even a single slice until you pay up your tab!"

Dante slammed his palm on the counter, his temper boiling over the pizza man's refusal to give him the pizza that he needed. Today had started out just like any other day for Dante; he woke up, killed a few demons, texted crude messages to Lady under Nero's name and to top it all off he went to get a pizza from his favorite pizzeria, Andy's.

Andy wasn't in the mood for Dante's shit today so he decided to be a good worker by charging Dante for all of his unpaid for pizzas. Everyone's favorite devil hunter though had no money to pay up…as usual. So now Dante was going to try and argue for his pizzas, hoping he could outsmart Andy. Good luck Dante, you'll need it.

"Come on, I've been coming here for years now and now you decide to charge me!?" Dante yelled at his once favorite pizza shop owner

"Yes and over those years you've racked up a total debt of ten thousand, four hundred and eighty seven dollars," Andy replied, turning the register to Dante, showing the said debt. "So you pay up or no more pizzas for you!"

"Don't you have like super-hero discount or something?  I've saved this city like…a million times!" the half-devil said, now believing that would win him this battle of wills. A mental victory parade started up in Dante's head. Hold your horses now young son of Sparda, victory isn't yours yet.

"Oh you can save the city a million times but you can't pay up your debt?" Andy questioned, bringing Dante's parade to a halt.

Dante was at a loss of words. He opened his mouth to say something but as quickly as it opened, it closed. The devil hunter whirled away from Andy for a second to think up a plan to get his pizza. Knowing Dante this plan would involve violence and loud noise.

"Alright Mr. Andy, I think it's time I use my trump to get my pizza," Dante spoke smoothly as he turned back to Andy, a malicious grin on his face. Andy just crossed his arms defiantly in response. Dante's hands went into his coat and when they came out, they were holding two handguns.

"Mr. Andy I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Ebony and his wife Mrs. Ivory. Say hi you two!" Dante told his handguns before waving them in front of Andy's face. "You see, my friends here are starving too and they'd like more than anything than to eat up. Unlike yours truly though, they get real ornery and violent when they're hungry so unless you don't want to end up in pieces, I suggest you feed us and forget we ever had this friendly little conversation. Capiche?"

Andy began to sweat profoundly as he looked at Dante's pistols and imagined them snarling like angry attack dogs. The thought almost made Andy wet himself. Faster then lightning, Andy whipped out a box of pizza and tossed it to Dante before running out the front door screaming wildly.

Dante laughed triumphantly as he watched Andy run away screaming. "I love you two," the half-devil stated to his guns before planting a kiss on Ivory. Ebony fired in response. "Alright, alright, I'll leave your wife alone...cold violent bastard," Dante grumbled before putting the two guns away.

The victorious devil hunter made his way over to a vacant table and put his pizza down. He opened the box and took out a slice of his hard earned pizza. Time seemed to slow down as Dante slowly took a bite. "Where have you been all my life?"

Poor Dante, he eats the same pizza every single day and he still pretends it's the first time. Poor, sad Dante.

"What the fuck do you mean the car's been totaled again!? What did I tell you, that damn car belongs to me, so you shouldn't even be thinking about touching the damn thing!"

"That voice…" Dante exclaimed to himself before turning to see a short fat man dressed like a wannabe Italian mobster yelling into a cell phone. Dante let out a surprised gasp. "Enzo Ferino is that you!?"

Dante got out of his seat and went over to the short fat man, who was still yelling into his phone, and playfully smacked him in the back of his head causing him to hit his face on the table. "Enzo pal, it's been like forever since we've seen each other! You even face plant the way you used to in the old days," Dante sighed as he reminisced about the 'golden days' when he'd when he would purposely trip Enzo just to see him face plant. "Good times. Good times."

Enzo reluctantly turned to face his old 'friend'. "Umm…hey Dante. I uh…thought you were out of my life. Forever," the fat man stammered, saying the last part quietly. Oh how glad he was when Dante suddenly disappeared but now all hell was going to break loose with him back. Enzo shuttered at the thought.

"I was pal, I was! Now I'm back though and we could catch up and relive the glory days!" the half-devil beamed. Too bad to Dante the definition of glory days was different to Enzo who saw the glory days as the dark days. Dante sat down on the seat across from Enzo with his pizza. "So, how about you give me a job for old times' sake?"

"Well you see Dante; we haven't seen each other in so long and over those years, well…I found someone else!" Enzo finished, quickly bringing his arms up to defend himself from anything.

Dante began to choke and gag on his pizza upon hearing this. He fell out of his seat and began gagging and convulsing on the floor, looking as if he was having a seizure. At last the stray pizza particle fell out of his mouth. He slowly crawled back up onto the table and gave Enzo a deranged look. "YOU REPLACED ME!?"

"Well, its like-," Enzo didn't get a chance to explain before Dante began ranting.

"Aww how can you do this to me Enzo!? We've known each other for so long and then you go and replace me! Wait, I know why; it's because you weren't included in the games but only the novels, isn't it!?" the devil hunter shouted, pointing a finger accusingly at Enzo.

"Wait, what?" There Dante goes, breaking the sacred fourth wall.

"And who'd you replace me for, huh? Some bald guy with temper issues or a stupid silent ninja!? I bet he's a wannabe compared to me! What's this bastard's name?"

"Actually, she's coming our way right now," Enzo stated as he looked past Dante.

"Hey there boys!" a loud voice called to Dante and Enzo. The devil hunter turned his head to see a woman wearing a pair of glasses, dressed completely in black clothes that matched her raven hair, which was styled in a beehive. The woman strolled towards them in a haughty manner.

Dante whirled back to Enzo, his mouth a gap and the only thing coming out was absolute gibberish. The woman just went past him and took a seat at their table. "So Enzo, got any more wimps for me to take care of?"

"Nah Bayonetta, that's all ol Enzo's got for today," the fat man replied as he leaned back in his seat. Dante moped over to him and sputtered more gibberish. "Oh right; Bayonetta this here's Dante. Dante meet your replacement!" Enzo introduced the two, a wide grin on his face. He was going to get Dante back for all those times he's caused him grief and physical harm and most of all for coming back into his life.

Revenge was going to be sweet.

"Charmed," the woman known as Bayonetta greeted as she offered him a seductive smile.

"Yeah, whatever…" Dante snorted as he turned his back to Bayonetta, a pout on his face.

"What's the matter; are your breeches a bit too tight for you?" the witch asked as she moved closer to the pouting Dante, her eyes twinkling. "Maybe you'll feel better if I loosen them for you."

"Hmph, keep your sexual comments to yourself!" Dante responded, still not turning to Bayonetta. He quickly made a mental note to reconsider her offer for a later date.

Bayonetta just shrugged before reverting her attention back to Enzo. "So Enzo, shall I regal you with an anecdote of my little fun run?"

Dante just shrugged his shoulders. "I can use big words too…" he grumbled to himself.

"So there I was, cornered in an alleyway, surrounded on all sides by blood thirsty angels!" Bayonetta began as she propped her feet up on the table.

"Hmph angels, they aren't so tough. I mean what are they going to do; play you a song on their harps?" Dante snickered at his own joke as he crossed his arms.

"That's when I pulled out the girls here and we took care of them all quickly and…painfully," the witch finished. She then planted a kiss on one of the Scarborough Fair. The other three pistols began to shake wildly, as if they wanted her to kiss them too. "Don't worry, there's enough Bayonetta for everyone!"

Dante pulled out Ebony and Ivory and looked pleadingly at them. "Either of you want some of Dante?" Ebony pointed itself at Dante's head in response. Apparently Ebony wasn't willing to let Dante anywhere near it's wife again. The half-devil sighed before putting the guns away. "Now you know why I like Rebellion better."

Now all 'down in the dumps' now, Dante took a slice from his pizza. "At least you still appreciate me," he told the pizza before closing his eyes and taking a bite…out of his hand.  "Wow, the pizza tastes different today," Dante commented before opening his eyes to find his hand in his mouth and the pizza missing. The half-devil looked frantically around for his lost slice and when he found it his heart shattered.

His beloved pizza was in the hands…of that witch! Feeling a rage stronger than Rebellion, Yamato and Force Edge rolled into one, Dante's final nerve snapped s he watched Bayonetta devour his pizza and go as far as lick the sauce off of her finger tips. She was going to pay!

"THAT'S IT!" Dante roared, drawing the attention of Enzo and many bystanders. Bayonetta looked to the raging half-devil, a look of feigned innocence on her face. "First, you come along and steal my friend. Then you waltz over here and gloat about your accomplishments and act as if we care! To top it all off, you…ate…my…PIZZA!" Dante growled as he slammed his palms down on the table.

"My, my aren't we being a little immature?" Bayonetta responded coolly as she put her arms around her head. Messing with this Dante character proved to be more fun than she possibly could've imagined.   

"Dammit, stop playing mind games!" Dante snapped as he narrowed his eyes at the witch. "If you insist on playing games though, how about we settle this with a little 'game'?

"Oh, you don't mean…."

"Yeah, I mean…"

"Holy shit! I gotta get the fuck out of here! I ain't ready to die yet!" Enzo shrieked before jumping out of his seat and make a run for the exit before the whole pizzeria came down on him.  The fate would not fall upon the pizzeria…not today at least.

"ANGEL ATTACK!" Dante and Bayonetta declared simultaneously before running towards the arcade machine in the corner of the restaurant, shoving a little kid away from the machine. The little boy just cried and went to tell his mommy that two supposed grown ups took his game away.

So their game began…and ended all in the course of five minutes, ending with Bayonetta having three thousand points and Dante having the incredible score of five. The only reason he got those points was because Bayonetta had accidentally pressed his switch giving him those points.

Maybe if he hadn't been whining about how the game didn't have a Dante character, he could've won. But alas Dante is Dante.

"I demand a rematch!" Dante shouted as he waved his arms around like a frustrated child.

"Do you really want to lose twice in a row?" Bayonetta asked, a mocking smirk forming on her lips. Dante just began ranting and complaining to himself about he was cheated. "You know I can see why you and Enzo are both such great friends; you're both whiners. Perhaps I should introduce you to a little cat named Cheshire, he's a whiner too. Maybe after I introduce you two, you can whine about me together."      

Dante glared at Bayonetta, one of his eyes twitching giving him the look of a deranged serial killer. "Alright then, let's take this outside so then we can settle this like men or in your case a woman…if that's what you really are?"

"I don't know, are you?"

Dante growled angrily and pointed at the front door. "Outside…NOW!"
                                
"Alright, ladies first," Bayonetta performed a mock bow and stepped to the side for Dante.

The half-devil began grumbling again under his breath as he left the pizzeria, Ebony and Ivory in his hands. "See now that we're out here; I won't have to embarrass you in front  of-," Dante stopped when he heard the door's lock click behind him. Dante turned back to see Bayonetta on the other side of the glass door waving at him, a smug smile on her face.

"Hey I thought we were going to fight like women -er I mean men! Dammit, see you're using mind games again!" Dante accused Bayonetta as he pounded on the glass door. The raven haired witch blew him a kiss before turning on her heel and walked away.

"Don't you walk away from me!" the half-devil called to Bayonetta but to no avail. "That's it; I'm calling in the cavalry!" Dante declared before letting out a loud whistle. "Yeah, you just wait until Rebellion gets here!"

As Dante waited for the 'cavalry' to arrive, he noticed Bayonetta reappear in front of the door…with a box of pizza in her hands. She opened the box and took out a steaming hot slice of pizza.

"No, NO!" Dante begged futilely as he watched the witch slowly, oh so slowly, take a bite out of the pizza, causing Dante to scream in horror. He pounded violently on the glass as he watched her come close to the door.

Bayonetta held the slice of pizza out and waved it in front of Dante's face. "You want it, don't you?" she whispered quietly before she took another bite drawing another cry from Dante. "Mhmm…tasty."

"DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU TO HELL!" the devil hunter roared as he began to pound the glass even harder. Suddenly Dante got struck in the back of the head but something hard. He slowly reached around and pulled the object to his face. "R-Rebellion? Not you too!"

First Ebony was trying to kill him and now Rebellion strikes him down. Dante's weapons just didn't like him today.

The half-devil slowly slid down the glass thanks to Rebellion's betrayal. Bayonetta followed him down the glass. As his vision betrayed him too, he saw the witch wink mockingly at him before leaving him.

"This…isn't over!"